Simple Simon Birthday Card

top bollocks card

I remember it well, it was a Tuesday.

The train gently tapped against the window as my manager handed me the task to get Simon's birthday card, on my lunch. It threw me slightly "A birthday card?" I thought, "but where could I get a birthday card from, It's raining outside!"

I spun around in my chair cracked my knuckles and stretched out my fingers before diving onto the keyboard like an over eager pianist. Oh I played a good tune that morning as the tapping of the keys drowned out the sound of the rain. First I searched 'Offensive Birthday Cards' and instantly a website was offered to me like an answered prayer from the heavens -' Brainboxcandy'

Instantly I clicked onto the link, my eyes widened as vast fruits were offered to me. There they were, hundreds of them, for as far as the eye could see. Each and every one crisply cut, neatly folded and each yielding their own devilishly comical punchline. THEN there she was. She stood out from the rest like a shining star on the horizon. My card. Simon's card. The offices card. Our card.

This card was like no other I've ever seen before, quickly I selected the purchase button slinging it into the basket like the last surviving sale item of a Boxing Day stampede. I reached for my bank card tenderly punching in the numbers as I go, hands quivering with delight. PURCHASE CONFIRMED. The words lit up my eyes like neon letters burning in the night sky of a whiskey soaked Vegas strip. Drenched in debauchery, yet massively satisfied with my weapon of choice.

For I had achieved for what I came here for.. and now.. now I just had to wait.

It was beautiful.